dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
