I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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