I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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