Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
