textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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