I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
