I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
