Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
