he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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