I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
