How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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