In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
