i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
