You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
