the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
