Sry I called you an 8
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize