Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
