The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
