I just cut my nipple shaving
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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