I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So many bounce houses so little time
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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