turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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