i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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