Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
