I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Welp...herpes.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
