i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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