Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
