First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
