listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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