I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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