Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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