when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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