Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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