Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
