I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
