I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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