Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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