You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
