Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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