I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
