For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
