I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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