I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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