see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
