So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
