I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
