Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
