just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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