Just fell off a train. Bad.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
