I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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