i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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