I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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