I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It's Friday. Sex?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
