someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
