why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
