when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Say something about gay babies.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
