my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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