it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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