The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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