He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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