Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
