you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
