If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
