how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
