I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
